Big Daddy
by Flagg1991
Summary: Lincoln comes home from pimp school and shows Royal Woods what's up. Dedicated to The Bodacious E.


**This is inspired by The Bodacious E's stories where Lincoln is a pimp. I thought it looked fun, so I wrote this.**

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Lincoln Loud was a straight pimp: He spent six months at The Bodacious E's School of Pimpanomics and graduated Big Daddy of his class. When he returned to Royal Woods on a warm spring day, he was wearing a purple suit with leopard print lapels, a hat with a feather in it, and Italian leather boots. He carried a gold-tipped cane.

His family was gathered on the porch to greet him, and as he Crip-walked up the stairs, they smiled. "Hi, honey!" his mom said. "How was pimp school?"

"'Ight," Lincoln said and grinned. "Ya'll 'bout to make me some money."

Fifteen minutes later his mother, sisters, and father were all dressed like sluts and standing in a line in the living room. Twirling his cane, Lincoln walked down the rank like a general inspecting his troops. Lori rolled her eyes. "This is literally stupid. I'm not being a prostitute."

Lincoln spun and whacked her across the back of her leg with his cane. She cried out and fell to one knee. Lincoln grabbed her chin in his hand and leaned in. "The fuck you just say to me, bitch?"

Her eyes were wide and pooled with fear. "N-Nothing."

Lincoln cocked his head. "What was that, ho? I didn't hear you."

"N-Nothing, Big Daddy," Lori stammered.

Lincoln shoved her away. "That's what I _thought_ you said."

While his family entertained johns in the living room, Lincoln Crip walked down to the police station. Funky jazz music played, and every woman he passed threw their panties at him. Damn, it's good to be a pimp.

Inside the squad room, Lincoln went up to the counter. A bored looking desk sergeant glanced up. "Can I help you?"

Lincoln looked around the room appreciatively. "This is a nice police station you got here." He grinned. "Be a shame if something...happened to it."

The cop's brow furrowed. "What's _that_ supposed to mean?"

"It means ya'll need some protection up in here...and that don't come cheap."

"Extortion is a crime," the cop said.

It was obvious this nigga wasn't about to listen, so Lincoln transferred his cane to his left hand and flexed his right hand; as the cop watched in amazement, it began to glow red. Like a shot, Lincoln drew it back and lashed out: He slapped the cop so hard his soul left his body and his head disintegrated. The other cops gasped, then pulled their guns out. Is Lincoln Loud really gonna have to show these muthas who they fucking with?

The cops started to shoot. Lincoln jumped, spun, came down, and started to twirl his cane, deflecting bullets and sending them back to wench they came. Cops flew against the wall: Lincoln's cane instantly turned every round it touched into a hollow-tipped cop killer. The surviving cops screamed and fled. Lincoln Crip walked after them. In an office, he found a bunch of them cowering in a corner and hugging each other. "P-Please," a man in a black suit and hat said, "we'll do whatever you want, just don't hurt us."

Lincoln went over and snatched the hat off the man's head. " _I'm_ the chief of police now," he said and put it on over his other hat.

"Y-Yes, Big Daddy."

"Bobby's pimping his sister on my turf, I want one of ya'll to go show him what's up."

"Y-Yes, sir!"

At the same time Lincoln got home, a RWPD police car pulled to a curb where Bobby and Ronnie Ann were standing. The window rolled down and the barrel of a gun popped out: Before the two could react, they were being gunned down.

"It's money time, bitches," Lincoln said as his family lined up. He started with Lori. "2,500? Dayum, girl. Leni...5,500...you must be suckin that dick on _point_ today. Lynn...800?"

Lincoln froze, and Lynn gulped. "The fuck is this shit?"

"I-It was a slow day, Big Daddy."

Lincoln bowed his head, shook it, and tossed his cane away. Uh-oh. "No, no, no," he said, rubbing his hands together, "we don't have slow days in the Loud house."

Moving with the speed of a balla, Lincoln snatched Lynn around her neck and squeezed. Her eyes widened and she choked for air.

Everyone started screaming and crying. "No, Daddy!" Mom cried.

"Spare her!" Dad wailed.

"Kill Leni's dumb ass instead!" Luna begged.

Lynn was on her knees now, her face turning blue. "You best have a better day tomorrow. You heard that, ho?"

 _"Y-Y-Yes!"_ Lynn strangled.

Lincoln let her go. "Fuck out my face."

Next was Luan. "998? Bitch, you 'bout as bad as Lynn. What's wrong with you?"

Luan hung her head in shame. "My braces kept shredding my customers' nutsacks."

Lincoln winced. "You got other holes, right?"

Luan turned her tearful eyes on him. "But, Linc, I wanna save myself for marriage."

Lincoln's jaw hit his chest. "What kind of dumb shit is this?" he asked his other hos. They shook their heads and looked away. His right hand started to glow, and Luan fell back a step. "Please...not the mighty Pimp Hand."

When Lincoln slapped her, Grandma Harriet's face stung in the year 1889, Big Daddy Kane swooned, every cherry in a thousand mile radius popped, and the USGS picked it up as a 4.5 earthquake on the Richter Scale. All that was left of Luan was a pair of smoking shoes and a tiny pink flower. "Anyone else saving theyselves for marriage?" Lincoln asked.

"No, Daddy," everyone said in unison.

"Good, now get to steppin'."

Twirling his cane, he went up the stairs and started cooking meth.


End file.
